TEEN DATING VIOLENCE PART 4

Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship – Part 4

By Terry Bailey

August 16, 2016

Relationships, teen and adult, begin with an optimistic feeling. The partner they are dating may or may not be Mr. or Mrs. Right, but all indications point that way. It is no secret we date people to whom we are attracted and hope to build upon the initial relationship... We also know that some relationships start well but fail to live up to initial expectations.

If you believe a relationship has not only lot its initial zap, but has turned into an abusive association you need to ask yourself some questions.

Are you going out with someone who:

Is jealous and possessive?
Controls you by being bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions?
Puts you down in front of friends?
Makes you worry about his or her reactions to things you say or do?
Threatens you?
Grabs, pushes, shoves, or hits you?
Abuses alcohol and/or other drugs and pressures you to take them?
Blames other people for all their problems?

If actions such as these occur even occasionally, there is a good chance your situation has become dangerous. Almost always, without fail, once it turns bad, it stays bad and will not improve.

Abuse follows a very predictable pattern.

Stage one is the tension building period. Communication breaks down, the victim becomes fearful and tries unsuccessfully to please the abuser.

Stage two in the occurrence of abuse. Verbal and physical abuse occurs. Anger, blaming, threats and intimidation take place.

State three is the reconciliation phase. The abuser apologizes and minimizes the incident and often blames the abused person. Tries to convince the abused person it wasn’t as bad as believed.

Stage four – The Honeymoon period. Things are quiet and calm. No abuse occurs and the previous incident is forgotten.

NEXT – Return to Stage One and the cycle repeats.

Risks of an Abusive Relationship

Once you recognize that you're in an abusive relationship, it can be difficult to determine what to do next. Depending on how long the abuse has been going on, you may feel isolated from your old friends and unable to turn to anyone for help. However, there are resources available.

Leaving the relationship will be hard but trust in yourself and those around you. Constantly remind yourself of the reasons why you want to leave and why this relationship is harmful..

During this time a rush of emotions may come to you such as sadness, loneliness and even anger, however remind yourself that these feelings are normal and that it is okay to be upset.

Talk to friends, family or seek professional help to assist you in making sense of your feelings. Doing this will help you understand that the abuse was not your fault.

The first thing you need to think about when you realize that your relationship is abusive is how to get out of the relationship. Abuse tends to escalate, so the longer you remain in the relationship, the more you are in danger.

First off, congratulations on wanting to leave this relationship. It takes a lot of courage and strength to want to leave, and we applaud you on making this first step. When a victim is leaving an abusive relationship, there are a few things they should remember.

How do you end abuse?

Ending an abusive relationship can also put you in danger. So it's important to turn to a trusted adult or friend for assistance first. Your parents, teachers, religious leaders, or a school counselor may be able to help. Find someone you trust, and talk to them about what has been happening.

When you end the relationship, do so in a place where there are other people so that your abuser cannot further abuse you, or end the relationship over the phone or via e-mail. Let the adult you've talked to know when you're going to end it so she or he can support you before and after the breakup.

Sometimes an abuser will say that you somehow caused the abuse. Don't be swayed by this. No matter what happened in your relationship, you did not cause the abuse. No one asks to be abused; the abuser chose to abuse you. Everyone chooses how to respond to other people's actions, and abuse is never an appropriate response.

Abusers may also promise to change. But that does not necessarily mean he or she will change in reality. You should be aware of the cycle of abuse.

After the abuse, many abusers will give their partners presents and promise that the abuse will never happen again. However, after these presents and promises, tension often begins to build again, and at some point, the abuser again hurts his or her partner.

Promises that the abuse will stop are simply a stage in the cycle. Abusers can change, but it takes a lot of hard work and counseling to create these changes.

School counselors are often trained to deal with these issues, so if you don't feel comfortable going to a parent or if a parent is abusing you, a counselor might be someone you feel comfortable turning to.