Teen Dating Violence – Part Five
How Parents Can Help
By Terry Bailey
What You Might See If Your Child Is in an Abusive Relationship
Isolation Does your child have fewer friends than before the relationship began? Abusive partners attempt to isolate the victim, first from friends, then from outside activities and then from family.
Emotional Changes In the early stages of any romantic relationship people are often happy. Once abuse begins the victim often begins feeling sad and desperate.
Smothering Communication Does your child’s boy/girlfriend constantly call or text? Do they insist on always knowing where your child is, what s/he's doing, who s/he's with, what time s/he'll be back and who s/he’s spoken to?
Jealousy Issues You might notice the boy/girlfriend's jealousy. If your child looks at or speaks casually with another person, does this upset the partner?
Making Excuses Your child might stick-up for the boy/ girlfriend, defending their inappropriate words and actions.
Trust your gut! If what your child is experiencing seems abusive, it probably is abusive. Who knows your child best?
How You Can Help
There are many reasons why teens don’t tell parents about the abuse. They may be embarrassed or ashamed, and may blame themselves. They may be afraid their parents will make them break up, convinced that it is their fault or that their parents will blame them or be disappointed in them, and afraid of losing privileges. They are often afraid of retaliation from their partner for telling. They may have little or no experience with healthy dating relationships and confuse jealousy with love. They may not recognize that they are being abused. If you suspect your teenager is being abused…
DO allow your child to talk. Stay calm. Listen without judging. Believe them!
Use clear language to describe what you see is happening.
Acknowledge that they are in a very difficult and scary situation. Tell them that you are concerned for their safety and well-being and that you are there for them.
Ask them what they would like to have happen...how can you help them be safe?
Keep the lines of communication open!
Educate yourself—access online resources, read, talk with others, look for information and/or support for yourself!
DON’T try to rescue them. This is a natural impulse. It will likely shut them down.
Don’t blame them for the abuse or make them feel judged.
Don’t punish them because of an abusive partner.
Don’t criticize their partner—you don’t want them taking energy to defend the person
If you suspect your teenager is being abusive
What you may see:
Jealous or possessive behavior toward the dating partner
Controlling or bossy behavior
Guilt Tripping—”If you loved me you would…”
Blaming the victim for everything that goes wrong
Obsessing over the partner’s behavior or actions
Unreasonable or gender-based expectations of their dating partner
What You Can Do
Ask, “Why do you think it’s okay to treat ______ that way?”
Confront disrespectful behavior/language. Explain that it’s not OK with you.
Hold your child accountable. Don’t accept excuses or allow them to blame the other.
Model respectful behavior towards your partner